Talking about your divorce

[Lola]

Maybe you guys could help me out with a dating dilemma. I met this great guy at a work related conference. We have gone out casually for drinks twice and both times I had a great time. My dilemma is that I don't know how to tell him that I am a divorcee. How and when should you bring up this topic? :(

The first couple of dates are supposed to be casual and fun, but if you don't talk about it early on it looks like you are trying to hide something.

[tallguy32]

I think your at about the right point now. It's not a big deal for most people, nothing like it was years ago. I think you want to give yourself just enough time to know that it's worth telling him. Your right if you wait to long it might look like you are trying to hide it. It's nothing to be ashamed of Lola, it's simply part of what has made you who you are.

[anewbeginning]

Wow, I am always up front with people. When I date they know I am divorced and where I stand. If you have gone out a few times already then I think it is time... but you need to figure a way of easing it into a conversation... obviously you don't go on and on about your ex... which is very good...

[NotTooGirly]

Mine came up on a first date last night (he asked me)...I'm honest and say that I am separated at the moment, but make it quite clear that the divorce is coming without going into the whole reason for the "delay" (financial concerns for both of us). If someone asks for more information I'll give it, but I think that "separated, getting divorced" is enough for someone I'm just casually dating. As for how to approach it, I can't think of a sneaky way...but there's got to be one. :)

I have been asked, however, if my ex is the type who'd come round looking to see if I was with someone, lol. And to that I simply laugh and emphatically say "no," which is the understatment of the century. ;)

[LadyMoon]

I do not think you need to bring up the topic at all, unless he asks you. Is he divorced? Do you wonder or care if he is? If you ask him about his past then it would be natural to respond with yours.. but there is probably no need at this point, unless you feel like you want to share. :)

[NotTooGirly]

I know there's at least 2 others here in the same boat as me, having been through not one but 2 marriages...well, I've decided it's time for me to come clean with the new guy as to my first marriage. He knows that I was in a long-term (8 years) relationship before my most recent marriage, but I've not volunteered specifics and he's not asked. However, things between us are at a point now where I really feel it's wrong not to tell him.

I am a little nervous about this - it's one thing to be divorced, quite another to be The Divorcer, and truth be told I am more ashamed (if that is the right word) of the failure of my first marriage than the second. And once I decide to give my all to a relationship I am really very conservative as to how I conduct myself and what my expectations are, so I know that hearing something like this would rattle me somewhat, so I'm expecting something along those lines from him as well. But...it's gotta be done. If this is the deal-breaker, then it's the deal-breaker. Better to know know than get hit by the falling piano later on. Wish me luck. :)

[LadyMoon]

You are very brave.... I think it says a lot that you are willing to share those details with him, make yourself vulnerable. You did what you did at the time and no reason to be ashamed, however of course I do understand. Please let me know how it goes. I hope he will respect your honesty. :)

[Wanda Ring]

Lola, I would be up front right away, there is not reason to wait or shame in telling him that you are divorced, you don't have to go into all of the details, just tell him what you want him to know and what your comfort level allows you to share.

[tallguy32]

Good luck NTG. If this guy is worth your affection, and he seems to be, he will understand.
Being divorced is nothing to be ashamed of. At out age half of us have been through at least one marriage.

[tin_heart_gal]

NTG..
Why should you be ashamed?
If the relationship didn't work, it didn't work.
It is nothing to be ashamed of.
I am the one who started the proceedings in both of my divorces.
I look at it like this, I married them both, I helped to make the mess, so I was gonna be the one to clean it up.

tehre is nothing to be ashamed of hon,
it isn't like you are saying " I have been married 15 times, and 13 of them have divorced me.....what can I say Elizabeth Taylor is my role model"

I'm sure if this guy is worth anything at all, he won't care.
After all, your single and available now, and thats what counts.

[tallguy32]

I'm sure if this guy is worth anything at all, he won't care.
After all, your single and available now, and thats what counts.


What she said.

[NotTooGirly]

You are very brave.... I think it says a lot that you are willing to share those details with him, make yourself vulnerable.

Thanks, Moonie. That was really my rationale behind it, too - in all of my past relationships I have refused to make myself truly vulnerable by sharing things about myself that were either painful or unflattering, so I didn't want to make that mistake this time since I really value this relationship and want to see where it goes.

At our age half of us have been through at least one marriage.

So true. And trust my luck to find a guy in that other 50%!! ;)

it isn't like you are saying " I have been married 15 times, and 13 of them have divorced me.....what can I say Elizabeth Taylor is my role model

OMG Tin...I just about snorted tea out my nose when I read that, that's awesome.

Well...you know that fight I mentioned in another thread? It was sort of related to this, but it wasn't because of what I told him, it was that I'd not told him sooner and basically addressed what I mentioned above, my tendency not to share myself fully with another person. And rightly, it brought up some bigger questions related to what each of us wanted and was willing to put into the relationship going forward.

It took a few hours of feeling like my innards had been turned wrong-side out, we came to a resolution and, I think, we are stronger than we were before. And I took a huge step in being able to do something that I'd never done in a relationship, which is to open up about something that I'd just as soon sweep under the rug and forget about. So, all is fine in NTG land as the rest of the weekend (that happened Friday night) went incredibly well. :)