Things I struggle with

[tallguy32]

Since my seperation I've been sharing a place with another guy. He's a good guy, I hardly ever see him, the location is good and the rent is very reasonable.
I struggle with wether or not I should buy a home. I feel like renting is throwing money away. Here are the challenges.

With what I pay in child support I can have a home or a life, not both. I prefer a life.

I will live in Edmonton for another 22 years. Then I'll retire and to be honest I don't want to live here. I want to be somewhere smaller where the roads are twisty and the weather is warmer.

I've thought buying something small in my hometown (8 hours away) but it would just sit empty 90% of the time.
Part of me wants to say screw it and just keep saving till I am close to retirement and have decided where I want to be. Another piece of me thinks Another option is to buy something where I would like to be (once I know where that is) and rent it out. It can pay for itself while I'm still working here.


Then there is that part of me that knows no matter where I buy something I'll always be looking down the road to the next place I want to be. That part of me wants to get rid of 80% of my junk, buy a big truck and a toyhauler 5th wheel and live in that.

My brain hurts from thinking about it all.

[tallguy32]

Another thing I struggle with. Self acceptance.

I know I'm not like the millions of other people on this planet. I crave risk. In my job and in my recreational activities. Yet I continually try to make myself "fit" into a normal life. I need to find a way to let go of the expectations that society has put on me. A home, a relationship, kids the whole thing does not work for me. I need to find a way to release my mind from these ideas. I've let the kids thing go already. A home and a relationship are much harder to release. Everyone likes to know they are loved. A home is simply that, a home. A place to belong. I'm not sure if I need that or not. Time will tell.

[NotTooGirly]

Good timing on this thread, TG...

My best friend has the same answer for me every time something like this comes up: Stop thinking so much. And the bitch of it is, he's right. So that's what I'd say to you (and to myself) - just be who you are, walk the road you're on one step at a time, and let things happen as they happen. It’s not that we shouldn’t think about things, we just need to know when to stop thinking and start doing - and from there it’s just a matter of dealing with the normal potholes in the road. It’s the difference between concentrating on the scenery and worrying about the gas tank on a long ride: you either tuned up your engine and filled your tank, or you didn’t, but if you spend the journey worried about a breakdown you’re going to miss all the nifty diversions along the side of the highway.

As for you being so damned different :p...you are and you aren't, and I think you know that. There are like-minded others out there, and as you go along in life you're going to find them (or they'll find you) because kindred spirits always seem to gravitate to one another. So in that way, at least, you're not alone, and never will be. And as you walk your path you'll find that the more distance you put between you and those ideas of a "normal" life, it gets easier to release them if you find you need to...you said it yourself, time will tell.

[LadyMoon]

Yes.. thinking too much... it can cause more problems!! Enjoy your freedom right now, I say. You seem to know yourself quite well and what you need, so go with that. Save what you can, maybe one day down the road you will decide to buy something, but it sure does seem like you need the freedom right now. No point in committing yourself to something else at this point.

And.. since you are paying child support, I deduce that you have a child or children. They are a huge commitment already.. so, if it's that you feel a bit guilty for not being tied down to something, or part of you craves it.. then focus on the responsibility of that, and again.. enjoy your freedom. Some people say you only live once! :)

[tallguy32]

I've got 2 kids with my 1st exwife. They live a long, long way away. I see them once a year if I'm lucky. She does her best to make it difficult.

I've had some time to reflect on everything I've been told and I'm going to do my best to relax about the whole thing and just be. I don't want the mortgage to deal with or the home repairs and all the rest of that. Maybe once I get a bit older......

[LadyMoon]

Absolutely.. sounds like a good plan. :)

[tallguy32]

I like your quote Moon

[LadyMoon]

Thanks TG! It's how I feel right now. Resentment has poisoned me into screwing up something that was pretty good. I am hoping to pound that message into my own head....

[Wanda Ring]

Hard choices Tall and planning for the future is smart...remember things can be changed as you get closer to retirement...because you buy something now...does not mean you need to keep it five or 15 years from now...Do what your heart tells you...and who knows by buying something now you maybe be able to sale it for a larger return and then you could buy a big truck and a toyhauler 5th wheel and go wherever you want...when you want...

[tallguy32]

I've been rolling it over in my head and I think I'm going to decide by not deciding. I like where I'm living now. The guy I'm sharing with is cool, the area is great. I'm going to do nothing but save money until something here changes and I'm forced to move. I'll look at making a decision then based on the facts at that time.

[LadyMoon]

Then you know you did the right thing, if you feel that sure of it!

[anewbeginning]

hi tall.... I think if you are happy with things right now then stay...

[tallguy32]

I am happy with the way things are right now. I guess on an internal level I'm still fighting with what people expect of me. Sounds stupid because I pride myself on not really giving a hell, but at a certian age a guy is expected to have a home and be settled into his life. I'm settling into my life, it's just not like anyone elses. Sometimes it's a bit lonely. I need to find some people that live like I strive to, and I think I did...

[NotTooGirly]

The important thing is that you're settling into your life. I know what it's like to get those twinges of "why am I not doing that," and you just get past them as they come - and over time, they come less and less often (although I doubt they ever fully stop, but oh well).

And this "home" baloney, I mean, really...home is what and where you make it. Simple as that. I've seen too many people literally mortgage their lives away for something they don't even know why they want in the first place!! Besides, you're building for your future just as much as someone who buys a house and settles in one area - it's not a contest to see who's doing it more "right." You're doing what works for you, and ultimately that's going to make you (and everyone who comes into contact with you) happier, and the world needs more of that, IMHO.

As for the lonely part of it, I know for me I'd been holding myself back by looking for guys who were more mainstream and "normal" in the hopes that it would rub off on me and make me somehow "normal" by association. Well, yeah, 2 divorces later we see how that approach worked. :rolleyes: Should things work out with my current guy I can honestly say it will be in large part because he's not terribly mainstream and quite unconcerned about it, and that really inspires me to let go of the remnants of my own hang-ups over being anyone other than my own (nerdy, random, off-centre) self. You mentioned that you think you met someone(s) like that, too, so maybe that's a good path for you to explore. Spend more time with the people who reflect the way you want to live and I think you'll find it's easier for you to get past the difficult bits.

[Dippy]

I’ve mentioned previously many of the things I struggle with. Well, those that I’ve drawn conclusions from. Still making my mind up about my self-esteem and probably always shall be. Hmmm. Nope, still can’t get it down in words. Insecurities are present…and weird as well. Relationship insecurities: I was brought up with the idea that men shouldn’t have them, let alone admit to them. And that’s pretty much society’s ideal - however illogical and ensnaring we all know it is. Well, I’m prone to inexplicable, sudden, bursting doubts and passing them on to others…or not passing them on, hiding them, and denying myself any reassurance. Depends what wins the internal battle at the time! I’d like to believe that women, generally, don’t want their man to be shut off emotionally, but what with all these “strong man” messages you see, I never know what is desired. “Just be yourself, honey,” my wife always says...yet actually break down before her, if I needlessly worry about losing her, and that’s a derisible offence!

On being non-conformist - not always out of choice - and sometimes out of necessity! If I’m being kind to myself (and why not!) I’d say I’m versatile and adaptable to changing situations – I take each moment on its own merit and its own set of details, which means I do contradict myself in ways that some people don’t, and will still try to justify it! But, at times, I’m also very simple, and very typical! And not always so absorbed. Anyway…in order to feel comfortable about my “ways”, I do seem to require unearthly proportions of love, patience and tolerance. Fortunately, I have caboodles of that to return; I just need a reason to express it. “Average” people, by definition, don’t often allow for that kind of exchange. They are too reasonable (or unreasonable!). I need somebody who does occasionally ‘test my resolve’ by some individual means or other...just to keep me awake and not make me feel so selfish!

[NotTooGirly]

IAnyway…in order to feel comfortable about my “ways”, I do seem to require unearthly proportions of love, patience and tolerance. Fortunately, I have caboodles of that to return; I just need a reason to express it.
Couldn't have said it better myself - the same applies to me as well, and it's something I've been struggling with of late, too. It probably doesn't help that I've been in a mindset of "reinvention" lately, but I think that's going to settle down soon. Either way, I try to look at this as a positive thing: that even though it might take a little more effort to deal with me, it's worth it since I return the same in huge heaping amounts. :)

[socialgirl73]

I struggle with expecting too much from people...

[tallguy32]

I struggle with expecting too much from people...

I used to do this. It took me awhile to realize that people are not going to get me and what I'm about unless I spell it out for them. Me expecting people to just know was unreasonable.
However once I've explained it in terms that they understand there should be no confusion.
All I really expect is honesty, kindness and trust. Well that and about 5 foot 6, blonde, green eyes, in amazing shape, a lady on the streets and a freak in the sheets.....
Yes I'm kidding. It's been a long night.